I have lived many lives

I have lived many lives.
I have lived rice krispies for breakfast,
badmitton at lunch.

I have lived invoices in the afternoon,
pineapple rums at night.

I have lived financial planning
and figure drawing, kisses and
ravioli for dinner.

I have lived pancakes for breakfast
and can you stay?

I have lived abrupt sobbing
and I have never felt so close to you.

I have lived surprise mini paintings
hidden in your wallet
and tropical storms making the windows
go pop!

One summer I lived people spend their entire lives
looking for someone like you and the next season
I lived the sweet little girl
that you are isn't enough anymore.

But I'm only twenty one
and I haven't seen Paris
so I'll live twenty one more years.

And I haven't had someone completely
disprove that one perfect day is impossible,
or not worth a thousand days
of something else entirely,

And I haven't seen infatuation turn to love
and pancakes always, not just some days.

So I'll want to live to be a shriveled woman
with a hot pink walker and deep laugh lines
like the kind the ocean etches into shells

who says I've traveled through ninety two years
but I haven't tasted tiramisu,
so I'm required now to live
at least ninety two more years.

I Don't Dream Much

Last night was the first time I remembered a dream in months. Whatever fate out there decided that this dream is the one that comes through is cruel. I just read a blog where a girl dreamt that Brad Pitt was at her door and asked her to babysit all his children. At the end of her story, she complained that she has the most boring dreams. Well, I'll trade you.

This is mine:

I'm alone and driving to the beach. I'm going to see Tyler, who I somehow know wants to see me, but at the same time I remember being sure that he doesn't want me back. When I arrive, every one of his friends that I have ever met, even the acquaintances, even the people I only met once, are gathered on the lawn. I stroll up to Tyler, who is lounging by his car, and I display all the ease that I do not feel and fool everyone, except for him. Funny, that's exactly how that situation would play out in real life. He and I go inside and it is the house that I knew, only sharper. As if the stairs are steeper, the corners more pointy, the hardwood floors more slick. And there are more stories and more rooms. Specifically, I remember being confused because Tyler switched to a different bedroom. This is where it gets explicit. We start to have sex and all of the sudden, I have my period. But it looks like what I would imagine a miscarriage would look like. I won't go into details. He doesn't get upset, he just looks disgusted and goes to get towels.

I wake up after that. And the ridiculous thing, the thing that makes me wonder if this will ever end, is this: I WANT to go back to sleep. I want to be back in that dream, no matter how upsetting its events are. The strange thing, is that when I wake up, I'm not sad, I'm HAPPY. I remember drowsily thinking that it was nice to just see his face again. Even if it's for one more time. I drift off to sleep, concentrating on the dream, and soon find myself back in it. Only this time, I can't recall much happening. I'm walking into his house again and it's later in the day. I'm either with my parents or Moneek, I can't remember. Tyler is gone when we go inside, but his roomate John is there. I tell him Tyler said we could use his pool. John says alright, and doesn't seem to think that's out of the ordinary.

Then I wake up and go to work. I want this all to end, but I'm the one who keeps it going. The songs that I hear, the places that I see, even some people, it all reminds me of him. But the thing is, I'm the one who let's myself be reminded. I want to get to that point where nothing is upsetting. Where memories are just memories and not catalysts for nervous breakdowns. It's infuriating that just when I think I've gotten to that point, I have a dream like this.

I have gotten into the habit of trying to end even the most upsetting blog entries on a happy note. This is what I've got: it's the bad times, the ones that make you cringe, that throw into light how lucky you really are when the good times find you. They compliment each other, like opposites on the color wheel. Red is more brilliant next to green, purple more vibrant next to yellow. Without one, the other would still exist, it would just seem more dull.

Oh, Just Pretty

There really is no other reason to post it. I just like these lyrics and I love The Bravery.

"The Ocean"

I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edge
At all of the lives that I never have led
There's one where I stayed with you across the sea
I wonder do you still think of me
I carry your image always in my head
Folded and yellowed and torn at the edge
And I've looked upon it for so many years
Slowly I am loosing your face

Oh the ocean rows us away, away, away
The ocean rows us away

Six's and seven's we live on jet planes
So many faces I don't know the names
So many friends now and none of them mine
Forgotten as soon as we meet
All of these moments are lost in time
Your caught in my head like a thorn on a vine
To forever torment me and I wonder why
Do I wish I'd never known you at all


Oh the ocean rows us away, away, away
The ocean rows us away

The sun and the moon
An ocean of air
So many voices
But nothing is there
The ghost of you asking me why
Why did I leave

Oh the ocean rows us away away away

And I lose your hand through the waves

Random Acts of Wackiness and Weirdness

Sometimes, the only thing you can expect is for life to be unpredictable. I guess it wouldn't be worth living if it was any other way, but Im sure some people would disagree. So onto my weekend recap.

Friday rolls around with plans of Bunco with Moneek. I drink three glasses of wine and have a great time. Thank you alcohol for softening the blow that playing a game of dice with 30+ year old women brings. After that, we are off to Moneek's house to play cards and drink some more. Mike is there and as usual, I'm nervous, which I neither like, nor am really used to anymore. Unless you count being used to the dull nervousness I felt around Tyler towards the end. Now that is hard to explain. I guess it's kind of like having butterflies for someone but being used to them. So I get antsy and as it happens, Kayla has invited me to a party. When I try to leave I find that someone has hidden my purse and I get upset and overreact, but Moneek and Chris find it and I leave. I end up going to the hotel party that Kayla is having with Robert and Zach. We wait for her to arrive for about 30mins before we call it quits and Zach and I decide to go to another party in Middleburg. On the way there we are singing, more like screaming, every song and laughing.
It is around 3am when we finally get to the party, which is, not surpisingly, still in full swing. Crazy kids. As we walk up, I see Ryan huddled up pretty closely to a girl I don't recognize and get some sort of evil pleasure when he jumps up to hug me and Zach. He never goes back to the girl, instead choosing to hang around us. The usual shenanigans ensue, which include, but are not limited to, dancing, trying to buy beer at 5am, trying to round up some crazies to go on a roadtrip to Savannah (don't ask) and getting hit on by a random guy who, of course, is neither of the two guys that I wouldn't have minded being hit on by. The night ends, Ryan and Zach get in a fight, over which they will not tell me and then we go to their friend's house to spend the night.
The next day I meet up with Moneek for a fun afternoon of Dick's Wings, Plato's and garage sales. Then I take a much needed nap.
I get to her house later that night and we stay up playing an awesomely fun game called Gender Bender, which I love love love. And we have drinks that taste like icees. How can that not be fun?
In the morning the guys make us breakfast while we dance to Britney Spears and then we are all off to the dog park. Moneek gets taken down by a big black, drooling dog, who pummels into her and sends her flying. Hilarious. Now, we are off to the pool where we play Marco Polo, Bullshit and have a water bottle fight.
Oh weekends, whether you are innocent and fun or crazy and fun, you never disappoint me. hehe.

Wacky Wednesday

Moneek told me today on the way back from lunch that you can't just write about what's pretty, you have to include the bad times too. I was just going to skip storytelling today in an effort to block last night from my memory, but I know she's right. So here goes.

Moneek, Chris, Garrett, Mike and I went to the Mandarin Alehouse for ladies night. It started out normal. We ordered food, chit chatted, had a small arguement and then somewhere along the line I turned into a basket case. All I can remember is that Moneek and I were in the bathroom and the Matt Nathanson song started playing and then I said, "this song reminds me of tyler."
When we get back to the table, I keep it together for a bit and then all of the sudden I have to go to the bathroom because I'm about to cry. Out of nowhere. Like a train wreck. I start sobbing the second I get in the stall and it's that disgusting crying where you drool all over yourself and snot is running down your face and your supposedly waterproof mascara is slipping down your checks.

When I get back to the table I can't even look at anyone because my eyes are so puffy, so I stare down into my drink. I'm not even back for second when Moneek asks me if I want to go to the bathroom. I can only nod, because I can feel myself choking up. I start sobbing again when we are in the stall and she helps me pull myself together. Then she starts crying too. About Bri. For the love of booze, sometimes I wish we still hung out with Bri so I could bitch slap her. Moneek says being upset about Bri is not the same as me being upset about Tyler. Which is poppycock. Yes, poppycock, Moneek, I know you're reading this. It is the same, in that you trusted someone not to hurt you and they break that trust and hurt you anyway. You experience the same sadness whether they were a friend or a boyfriend.

Kelly comes in the bathroom looking for us, apparently we had been in there a while and the three of us go back to the table. Everything is fine now. I have to make a side note and just say props to the guys for minding their business and not asking questions. Nothing is more embarassing than being called out on your patheticness.

We leave after a bit and I ride back to Moneek's with Mike. He has his right hand on the shifter and I ask him if his car is a stick shift. He says no, he just would always hold his ex fiance's hand while they were driving, so now he just holds the shifter. Funny, Tyler always held my hand in the car too. But I just said that I knew what he meant. It's just one of the many little ways that your life changes when someone leaves it.

Back at the house we chill out, and by chill out I mean we were loud and obnoxious and having a great time. Kayla calls and says she's with Zach and wants to hang out. Zach is a good guy, but it's a toss up as to whether you'll get mean drunk Zach or funny drunk Zach. So I tell Kayla not to bring him. Things were just getting back to normal after the drama and I didn't want to invite trouble. Of course she says she can't just leave him. That was a terrible position for me to put her in.

Somewhere along the line Thomas and Ian get pissed and then Thomas pisses off Moneek because he wants to go through her and Chris' room to do his laundry. Even though it's midnight and even though she is standing in the doorway and the light is off. Do you think maybe those are signs that you should go around the back way?

I leave shortly after that and Mike follows me because I'm still drunk. Along the rode, I start crying. Again. Which is the reason I think I began to swerve. I pull into the Alehouse parking lot because I get it in my mind that I will get myself together there. I have my head resting on the steering wheel when Mike knocks on my window. I shake my head because I hate people seeing me cry. He knocks again. I roll down the window but don't look him in the face. He asks if he can follow me home. I nod.
We make it to my house and he waits in his car until I'm in the door and shouts "have a good night". I'm glad that there really is genuinely nice people like him in the world.
I wake up in the morning to a text message from Kayla.

"This is Zach. Betrayl at it's finest. Good day."

Not only do I feel terrible, but I feel like an idiot. I just sent Zach an apology and I hope he accepts it. And I hope Mike realizes that I'm not always that much of a mess. I have my good moments too. I know Moneek and Chris and Garrett know that, but he barely knows me and I'm pretty sure most of the times he's seen me, I've been a train wreck. What's hilarious is that this story proves Tyler right. He said I get too drunk and I get careless. If last night wasn't the height of my drunken carelessness, I don't know what is. And I hate him for being able to pinpoint my flaws with such accuracy.

So that's it. There's the ugly part of my life. But like Moneek said, you can't just write about the good times. You have to admit to the bad times too. Life isn't one or the other. It's a mix.

The Party Life Comes Full Circle

Oh excitement. First of all, let me just say that I have been trying to be a good girl, stop the crazy, unpredictable nights that roll right into the early hours of the morning. However, a leopard can't change her spots, she can only pretend they aren't there. So, after a couple weeks' break from the nightlife, I jumped back in. Shananagans ensued.

Once upon a time....

I met Kayla up at Mama Fu's where I hopped in her car and we were off. We arrived at Lux at 9:30 and apparently were too early, because retarded clubs like that one don't open until 10 apparently. So we waited it out at The Brix where we talked about Kayla's new love interest Alex. Who, incidentally, I approve of without meeting him, because after all the crap with Robert, well, she needs someone else and he seems decent, but then again, I heard of him from a biased source. I was shamelessly hit on by the bartender who must have been at least 30, and of course I enjoyed that. Ah, this is the single life at it's best. Not to mention my favorite beer, Stella, was on $2 special. It was like I was destined to go the Brix. tehe. Anyhoo, we head back to Lux where the drinks are free. Splite Tone ends up not being there. What in the who??? But the drinks are endless and there is a beer pong tournament going on and bunches of ridiculous looking people to make fun of (we are so bad) so we stay for good amount of time. By the by, you cannot wrap a hot pink headscarf around your ass and call it a skirt. I know we're in a recession, but come on. Being a hooker doesn't earn you extra money unless you actually work in a strip club, button.
Around 1am, we decide that the Ritz is calling our name and this is when the fun really starts. We arrive, flirt with the bouncer (hey it's tradition) and find that everyone out on a random tuesday is at the ritz. Excellent. They have a DJ spinning the top 40 hits (of course) and a few people are dancing. I join them, and revel in being the drunk dancing girl without a care in the world. Before we know it, both Kayla and I are being danced upon by two very tall, skinny guys, who were attractive for all of five seconds. However, they are fun and if they try to pull a "what's your number" sort of business, we'll just bolt. So we dance, get our drinks paid for (did I mention I love being a girl) and chat. While outside I point out that they are both wearing their baseball caps backwards and ask if I missed the memo saying that that was back in style. I pretty much implied that they looked ridiculous. Which they did and they were annoying me now. Kayla's guy was worse then mine putting his arm around her and having his face mere milimeters away from hers. I half expected him to literally drool on her. Whereas my guy tried to be smoother and rely on his conversation. A good tactic if you're a conversationalist, which cupcake, you are not.
Now, in these sorts of situations, Kayla and I have a very complex, specialized code system. It is as follows:

Pop Tart- def. -when you are into the random guy hitting on you.
Tapioca- def. -you need to be rescued from the random guy hitting on you.

The bar makes last call and Kayla and I go to cash out with our guys trailing behind us like sad little puppies. The guys end up cashing out first and the bartender tells them to wait for us outside. Kayla and I look at each other, laugh and say tapioca. We sneak out a side door and make our escape.

Kayla decides that she can't drive anymore and since Robert had offered to come get us if we need him, she calls him. While we wait we go to McDonalds and I get a happy meal. Which is probably the most delicious drunk food ever. We finish our meals quickly and then decide that we are still hungry. I get ANOTHER cheeseburger. For the love of booze, Erica, it's called self control (incidentally, I'm writing this as I eat french fries. damn it all to hell, old habits die hard).

Robert arrives, and I ride in the back. He barely speeks to me, although he isn't much of a talker to begin with, so that's not out of character. This was the first time I had seen him since the incident where he tried to make out with me and told me that there was something between us. However, he didn't make it awkward like I thought he would. He was just the same old Robert. On the ride home, I have a flashback of being 10 again and riding in the back of my brother's integra with him and his girlfriend Kara. I'm not sure why. And that's how the night ended.

Well, if I'm not the poster child for the saying "old habits die hard" I don't know who is.

Life List

Ever since I was little, I've kept a running life list. Like the bucket list, things I want to do or see in my life before I go. The other day I start thinking about how I haven't updated it lately and guess what? I can't find it. I'm sure it's tucked away in one of my journals or safely hidden under a pair of shoes or being used as a bookmark. Sigh. I'm just going to admit to being disorganized and chalk it up to a character flaw. Anyhooo, I have to make a completely, new life list, so here I go.

1. Finish a triathlon
2. Write a book of poetry,
3. a book of fiction,
4. and a how to book
5. get published
6. go to bali
7. ride a cable car in San Francisco
8. Be able to speed sketch accurately
9. Play piano
10. be able to piourette more than once around
11. see a broadway play
12. Finish college
13. get my masters
14 get my PHD
15 teach upper level college english
16. paint with sabrina ward harrison
17. go on a cruise
18. be able to do a cartwheel
19. watch the olympics in person
20. Meet Billy Collins
21. See Coldplay live
22. See Tori Amos live
23. Meet Janet Fitch
24. Have a positive attitude when I look in the mirror
25. Never smoke cigarettes again
26. Learn to make the perfect margarita
27. Go to Vegas
28. Go on a yoga retreat
29. Win a triathlon
30. Take a tour at a wine vineyard
31. hanglide
32. learn to surf
33. Jet ski
34. Rock climp
35. snow board
36. Go on a road trip across the U.S
37. See the Eiffel Tower
38. See the Taj Mahal
39. Write a travel book
40. Learn to cook healthy meals
41. Play the guitar
42. Especially Layla on the guitar
43. Sail down the Amazon River and stay in a tree house
44. Always have money in savings
45. Own a condo somewhere on a beach
46. Be debt free
47. Get a 6 pack
48. Own a Lab
49. Have a balcony to paint on
50. Be happy.